The psychological context of communication

 

One of the most common mistakes in communication is not to take into account the hidden ("underwater") level - the psychological context of communication. Conversely, a master of communication, a genius of communication, can be recognized by the fact that he is very attentive to this very context. What is the psychological context of communication? The psychological context of communication No.1 is the emotional state that you yourself are in. If you experience negative emotions, for example, you are annoyed, angry, angry, or, conversely, you experience feelings of guilt, shame, fear, or anxiety, then this psychological context will certainly affect what you say and how you say it. The ability to notice strong emotions behind yourself, and after noticing them, postpone an important conversation until the "storms in the soul" calm down, and if the conversation is urgent and you simply can't wait until your own emotional sphere finds balance, then having such a conversation is extremely delicate and careful in expressions is a very good habit, which is a sign masters of communication. Well, in fact, if you realize that you are, for example, annoyed, but you need to discuss something with people who have nothing to do with your irritation (and even with those who annoy you), then realizing that the psychological context of You are exactly like that, you can already be more attentive to what you say so that the negative emotions raging inside you do not spoil the result of the conversation you are currently having. Taking out your negative emotions on other people is not only stupid, but usually also very expensive afterwards. But in order not to snap at others, you need to notice your emotional state and your psychological context in time. By the way, if a person is "advanced" in the knowledge of psychological techniques for achieving inner harmony and balance (for example, he owns the technique of "parachute for giraffe" according to Marshall Rosenberg), then noticing his personal negative psychological context, he can immediately quickly "turn it off". The psychological context of communication No.2 is the emotional state that your partner or communication partners are in. And there are probably even more mistakes here than in the first case. A typical situation that has become the prototype of many anecdotes is when one of the spouses comes tired from work, and then his soulmate starts loading something from the doorstep. V.S. Vysotsky uses the following image in a famous humorous song: "You get so fucked up in a day... When you get home, you're sitting there." Note that Russian folk tales often play up the formula "you feed a good fellow first, give him a drink, steam him in the bathhouse, and then ask him questions." I mean, what do they say? They say that it is better to first remove the possible negative - irritation caused by human fatigue (it is not difficult to remove it: feed, drink, steam in the sauna (in modern conditions, you can probably limit yourself to a shower), and only then proceed to communicating with him. Otherwise, instead of communicating, he will simply dump all the accumulated negativity on you. As Alexander Sergeevich Pushkin joked, "a fairy tale is a lie, but there is a hint in it." However, I would not call this a hint, but a good technique for working with the psychological context of a communication partner. This technique of accounting and normalizing the psychological context of a communication partner, formulated many centuries ago in Russian fairy tales, would really do well for many wives to adopt. However, this applies equally to men. Why were characters like Giacomo Casanova or Don Juan so incredibly popular with women? The answer is quite simple: Yes, primarily because they were very attentive to the psychological context of their communication partners — to the emotional state of the women they communicated with. If a woman is stressed and annoyed, then extreme delicacy and diplomacy at such a moment is the best strategy in dealing with her, and Don Juan and Casanova knew this very well. And these two "black ladies-in-waiting" were able, in particular, to notice when a woman is attuned to a wave of intimate relationships. In general, the key to success in communication — to achieve the desired communication goals, lies primarily in the ability to be attentive to the psychological state of the communication partner, the ability to notice how it changes in the process of communication. Can you see the psychological context of a communication partner? So you can choose the right means of communication. Can you see the slightest changes in the psychological context of a communication partner during communication? This means that you receive the most important feedback that will allow you to communicate subtly and beautifully. The image is a waltz. An experienced dancer feels and therefore leads his partner in the dance. And both of them enjoy dancing in the end. If you do not take into account the psychological context No.2, then it may turn out like in the famous joke: "A man comes into the therapist's office with a pot on his head, and the remains of borscht run down his face, shoulders and jacket. "Well, dear, what's bothering you?" the therapist asks. "At the moment, Doctor, I'm worried about my wife's psychological state." The psychological context of communication No.3 is the previous experience of their interaction that the communication partners have preserved in their memory. If you had a conflict with a person, and then you are forced to turn to him for something, then, obviously, this negative psychological context will be present in your communication, and it would be better to think in advance how you can neutralize it.

Conversely, the art of seduction consists in first forming a positive psychological context No.3, and only then getting down to business. As one of my friends, a big businessman, says: "If you want success in negotiations, then you need to understand that for the first one and a half to two hours (and sometimes one and a half to two days, and in severe cases - up to a week) you will create a positive impression from your negotiating partner, and only then you will get down to business. moreover, in this case, the actual negotiations take from 5 to 15 minutes, and if you have previously managed to create a positive attitude towards you from your negotiating partner, then success is in your pocket." A person who does not know the laws of communication is trying to solve a problem, for the sake of which he entered into communication immediately, "right off the bat." And almost always fails in the end. Communication geniuses first form a positive psychological context for their communication partners, not sparing time and not rushing things, but only then they get down to business and, as a rule, everything works out. This applies everywhere. From business to family life. If one of the spouses wants to get high-quality sex from his other half, then, obviously, he should not, after coming home from work, arrange conflicts with his other half, arguing that she "runs herself into trouble." People understand this perfectly well during the "candy-bouquet" courtship period: flowers, gifts, a romantic atmosphere, and most importantly, a very delicate and diplomatic treatment of their flirting partner (which form this very psychological context No. 3 — a positive communication experience), preceding the entry into an intimate relationship. However, in family life, the importance of psychological context No. 3 is often forgotten for some reason. And then they are surprised that "sex, of course, is better than the new year, but the new year, for some reason more often." Psychological context No. 3 is applicable, I repeat, everywhere (as well as the previous two). If we take parenting, then the most common complaint that is addressed to a psychologist is "lack of trust on the part of children": children do not trust their parents, they are rude, they lie. But when you start to understand, in these cases it always turns out that the psychological context of previous communication with children is nagging, criticism, snide remarks and psychological violence on the part of parents. And why then is it surprising that in such a psychological context No. 3, children do not want to make contact with their parents, in those moments when parents "come to them with all their heart." In such cases, it is simply necessary to form a long-term positive psychological context No. 3 in children, and when it is formed, trust on the part of children arises by itself, for some reason the children stop lying, and they no longer try to be rude. To sum up, it must be said that the ability to notice all three psychological contexts of communication, as well as the ability to use it, is not something innate. This useful skill is quickly developed with some perseverance. And once developed, it allows you to make your life much more positive and successful.